Funny Morsel of the Day-or-Two-or-So
OMG college:
omg like, like oh gosh I was at HFH (habitat for humanity) and got my phone stolen. Its like so ironic to go out of your way to help out the unfortunate and then something like this happens, right? I mean its great because it gives me a solid reason to tell all my contacts I haven't talked to them because I do charity work now for HFH (habitat for humanity). Yeah haha, I'm a full-time architecture student but I mean I have to take time out for the really important stuff in the world. I'm not selfish. I'm in HFH (habitat for humanity). Next stop, honors frat!
10 things learned on vacation:
1. Americans are not the only people in the world that go on vacation.
2. The rest of the world hates Americans because we rag on their children.
3. Foreign children are easy to rag on so get your fill.
4. The phrase "all inclusive" means everything in the trip is included. It does not mean the trip includes everything (i.e. shower curtains, sunlight, full-filled expectations)
5. The national dish of the Dominican Republic is undercooked chicken.
6. Fuzzy porn comes in on channel 31.
7. There is no exchange rate- everything just cost 30 US dollars.
8. The locals love two things: humiliating drunk people and cocaine.
9. Canadians love three things: all inclusive resorts, fake Ed Hardy watches, and sucking.
10. Mother Nature hates Canadians.
omg like, like oh gosh I was at HFH (habitat for humanity) and got my phone stolen. Its like so ironic to go out of your way to help out the unfortunate and then something like this happens, right? I mean its great because it gives me a solid reason to tell all my contacts I haven't talked to them because I do charity work now for HFH (habitat for humanity). Yeah haha, I'm a full-time architecture student but I mean I have to take time out for the really important stuff in the world. I'm not selfish. I'm in HFH (habitat for humanity). Next stop, honors frat!
10 things learned on vacation:
1. Americans are not the only people in the world that go on vacation.
2. The rest of the world hates Americans because we rag on their children.
3. Foreign children are easy to rag on so get your fill.
4. The phrase "all inclusive" means everything in the trip is included. It does not mean the trip includes everything (i.e. shower curtains, sunlight, full-filled expectations)
5. The national dish of the Dominican Republic is undercooked chicken.
6. Fuzzy porn comes in on channel 31.
7. There is no exchange rate- everything just cost 30 US dollars.
8. The locals love two things: humiliating drunk people and cocaine.
9. Canadians love three things: all inclusive resorts, fake Ed Hardy watches, and sucking.
10. Mother Nature hates Canadians.
Listen for the curse word...
Hint: It's around 0:25 seconds.
OMG college:
in a comp. lab right now and this betch keeps blinking at me. swur to G i'm gwan thro my venti at hur uggo face. Check out this akronim i juz made ^ :
G.T.T.V.A.T.B.F.B.S.I.A.B.F.U.B. = Gwan thro this venti at this betch's face because she is a betch face uggo betch.
in a comp. lab right now and this betch keeps blinking at me. swur to G i'm gwan thro my venti at hur uggo face. Check out this akronim i juz made ^ :
G.T.T.V.A.T.B.F.B.S.I.A.B.F.U.B. = Gwan thro this venti at this betch's face because she is a betch face uggo betch.
Spot the not?
Step your game up.
Watched 10,000 BC earlier...
Here are some notable cameos.
Here are some notable cameos.
The dude from Counting Crows
Jo Jo
Kenny Lofton
OMG college:
r u b zee now? wanna go sit outside the archi building and wait for the seniorzzz to walk outtt? ew whatever. What r u doing 2nite? wanna try to get into that bar that doesn't card so we can say we went to happy hour and look cool in front of the other freshman in our hallway? wanna try? ew whatever?
From a fat teenage mom to her husband (fat):
"You're like 70% the reason I'm stressed..." the other 30% is gravity.
Things that are funny:
Female condoms.
Drug Traffic
Saw a traffic cop the other night wildly directing traffic with a glow stick and a whistle. He was just constantly blowing the whistle and violently waving the glow stick in no particular direction- there were several near misses thanks to this. It wasn't until after that I realized he wasn't a traffic cop at all but a man on ecstasy who wondered into the street from a nearby rave. I should've known they don't issue mesh tank-tops and ring-pops to traffic police.
OMG college:
omg have you seen shud her i land?! omg so effing skaaaryeeee. i went with this guy i've been effing in luv with for like 2 minutes b/c i saw he was eating a cinnabun and i eat cinnabuns and i luv STAMP and he was in there one day so i knew it wuz ment2b like the notebook (ryan gooselinggg) so we went and he was so nice2me cuz he kept on not looking at me when he talked to i new he lyked me for me (not b/c i hang with leonardo) and then he touched my leg and bought me a large popkorn ($9) and I eight it all! lol fatty lol, haha :( haha and i shit myself lol embarrassssing lol ew yeah i know ugh, second time this month haha. lol what? omg I'm such a spaz! miss u!
Words from a banker:
Cocaine and red wine is a lifestyle.
r u b zee now? wanna go sit outside the archi building and wait for the seniorzzz to walk outtt? ew whatever. What r u doing 2nite? wanna try to get into that bar that doesn't card so we can say we went to happy hour and look cool in front of the other freshman in our hallway? wanna try? ew whatever?
From a fat teenage mom to her husband (fat):
"You're like 70% the reason I'm stressed..." the other 30% is gravity.
Things that are funny:
Female condoms.
Drug Traffic
Saw a traffic cop the other night wildly directing traffic with a glow stick and a whistle. He was just constantly blowing the whistle and violently waving the glow stick in no particular direction- there were several near misses thanks to this. It wasn't until after that I realized he wasn't a traffic cop at all but a man on ecstasy who wondered into the street from a nearby rave. I should've known they don't issue mesh tank-tops and ring-pops to traffic police.
OMG college:
omg have you seen shud her i land?! omg so effing skaaaryeeee. i went with this guy i've been effing in luv with for like 2 minutes b/c i saw he was eating a cinnabun and i eat cinnabuns and i luv STAMP and he was in there one day so i knew it wuz ment2b like the notebook (ryan gooselinggg) so we went and he was so nice2me cuz he kept on not looking at me when he talked to i new he lyked me for me (not b/c i hang with leonardo) and then he touched my leg and bought me a large popkorn ($9) and I eight it all! lol fatty lol, haha :( haha and i shit myself lol embarrassssing lol ew yeah i know ugh, second time this month haha. lol what? omg I'm such a spaz! miss u!
Words from a banker:
Cocaine and red wine is a lifestyle.
Word Masters!
S.a.n.n.y. [san-ee]
-noun.
(Standard Aggressive Night-out in New York) a unit of measurement used to quantify the amount of money spent and/or booze consumed over a certain period of time. One sanny is roughly equivalent to $60 and 10-12 drinks (drinks include pre-gaming). Can be applied to any city, college, party, or event involving the over consumption of alcohol paired with the reckless hemorrhaging of cash.
Example:
“Last weekend was brutal, it had to be at least 4 sanny’s between the money I blew at Rick’s and the dirty shots I took at Mars Bar."
OMG college:
r u going to TKE's slumber/date/toga/hoes & ceos/80's/formal/pregnancy pact party on fri? haha ugh h8 sundays so much school work! ah so stressed! i h8 gen ed. classes! gotta get back to this 8 page double spaced paper fml h8 ml fml.
-noun.
(Standard Aggressive Night-out in New York) a unit of measurement used to quantify the amount of money spent and/or booze consumed over a certain period of time. One sanny is roughly equivalent to $60 and 10-12 drinks (drinks include pre-gaming). Can be applied to any city, college, party, or event involving the over consumption of alcohol paired with the reckless hemorrhaging of cash.
Example:
“Last weekend was brutal, it had to be at least 4 sanny’s between the money I blew at Rick’s and the dirty shots I took at Mars Bar."
OMG college:
r u going to TKE's slumber/date/toga/hoes & ceos/80's/formal/pregnancy pact party on fri? haha ugh h8 sundays so much school work! ah so stressed! i h8 gen ed. classes! gotta get back to this 8 page double spaced paper fml h8 ml fml.
Career Fair Tips
Yesterday I was at a career fair and took immediate notice of a kid who was doing things his own way named Julian. After the event I met up with Julian for some drinks and some brain-picking. Julian had these three foolproof tips for any individual trying to get paid:
1: "Always be confident by never giving explanations and looking straight at the ground. Drool a little bit."
2: "Always insist on trying on the company representative's jacket, and if he says no then you know he's not a good sharer."
3: "Always close out the short meeting by getting dangerously close to the representative's face and rapping Drake's Successful softly. Then kiss. If he/she turns you down then politely ask for your resume back."
OMG college:
We're HOMEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!1!!!! it feels so cool to be home and see all those LOSERS still in school at high school. they're losers cuz they were born after us and sooooooo immature. VODKA CRAN! just wanted to say that cuz i love drinking. we should totally drink at my house my parents are so cool with it now that i'm back from college (just beer though no hard alcohol) CALL me?!
Food for Thought, Not a Party
We taught you how to spark intellectual conversation at a dinner party. Now we have another etiquette morsel for you: appropriate foods to bring to a party, potluck, or gangbang.
In order to not come off as an ungrateful slob you must bring something to the table. But be careful what you bring, or it may tarnish your reputation forever! Just ask Tim he knows all about it.
Take pancakes for example. Pancakes make a wonderful breakfast food, but bring them to a party past 10 a.m. and you will immediately be labeled as a degenerate. If you bring pancakes you would have to bring syrup. And if you bring syrup are you going to drizzle the syrup all over the pancakes in front of your host like some pervert? NO! Because you are not going to bring pancakes in the first place.
People who think pancakes are anything more than breakfast food should be deemed unfit for society and should fall into the same category as drug dealers, rapists, and senior citizens. Instead bring over some Arbor Mist- bitches go stupid for that shit.
We're HOMEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!1!!!! it feels so cool to be home and see all those LOSERS still in school at high school. they're losers cuz they were born after us and sooooooo immature. VODKA CRAN! just wanted to say that cuz i love drinking. we should totally drink at my house my parents are so cool with it now that i'm back from college (just beer though no hard alcohol) CALL me?!
Food for Thought, Not a Party
We taught you how to spark intellectual conversation at a dinner party. Now we have another etiquette morsel for you: appropriate foods to bring to a party, potluck, or gangbang.
In order to not come off as an ungrateful slob you must bring something to the table. But be careful what you bring, or it may tarnish your reputation forever! Just ask Tim he knows all about it.
Take pancakes for example. Pancakes make a wonderful breakfast food, but bring them to a party past 10 a.m. and you will immediately be labeled as a degenerate. If you bring pancakes you would have to bring syrup. And if you bring syrup are you going to drizzle the syrup all over the pancakes in front of your host like some pervert? NO! Because you are not going to bring pancakes in the first place.
People who think pancakes are anything more than breakfast food should be deemed unfit for society and should fall into the same category as drug dealers, rapists, and senior citizens. Instead bring over some Arbor Mist- bitches go stupid for that shit.
Always Strapped
Good friend going to school in D.C. saw this whipped father/crossing guard on his drive back from class. The image was labeled "Segway Dad."
Wonder how this poor guy's morning starts...
"Honey don't forget to take the kids for a ride on the seg after work!"
"Will do! Can't wait to see whats for dinner Lorraine!"
"Fuck yourself Jeff, I'm going out with the girls for cosmos and Boston Market!"
"Haha, sounds good. Have fun!"
Wonder how this poor guy's morning starts...
"Honey don't forget to take the kids for a ride on the seg after work!"
"Will do! Can't wait to see whats for dinner Lorraine!"
"Fuck yourself Jeff, I'm going out with the girls for cosmos and Boston Market!"
"Haha, sounds good. Have fun!"
An email in reference to M&G's google analytics account:
Yo,
Right now I can't get google anal off of my personal g mail address. So what I'll do is make another separate g mail just for analytics, we'll never have to go to that e mail. Its just so we can have a neutral account for anal. Probably be called mikeandgiananal@gmail.com. I'll do that tomorrow, set it up and e mail you log in info for our e mail address thats just for anal.
- G
Now you know.
OMG college:
kegger-rager-banger at da frat howwzzz. Can't w8!!! Hope the jungle jooce is good last time it SUCKED. remember when we made jungle jooce with vitamin water?!?!? EWWW. i got so drunk that i drunk dialed my PARENTS and totally ruined our relationship! Welcome to the good life! I love that song. I hope they play drake at da party. I hate kanye he's such a JERK omg I love taylor! TEXTS FROM LAST NIGHT!!!!! (908): Help me I drank too much I need to go to the hospital. HAHAHA tfln is SO funny.
Right now I can't get google anal off of my personal g mail address. So what I'll do is make another separate g mail just for analytics, we'll never have to go to that e mail. Its just so we can have a neutral account for anal. Probably be called mikeandgiananal@gmail.com. I'll do that tomorrow, set it up and e mail you log in info for our e mail address thats just for anal.
- G
Now you know.
OMG college:
kegger-rager-banger at da frat howwzzz. Can't w8!!! Hope the jungle jooce is good last time it SUCKED. remember when we made jungle jooce with vitamin water?!?!? EWWW. i got so drunk that i drunk dialed my PARENTS and totally ruined our relationship! Welcome to the good life! I love that song. I hope they play drake at da party. I hate kanye he's such a JERK omg I love taylor! TEXTS FROM LAST NIGHT!!!!! (908): Help me I drank too much I need to go to the hospital. HAHAHA tfln is SO funny.
Karma police.
On my way to class I saw a kid with a rat-tail hit a girl on his mountain bike. She passively screamed "AAHH" and fell to the ground, by the time she pulled it together the rat-tail was gone. Later in the day an over zealous traffic officer caused the same mountain biker to collide with a stopped car blasting "Oochie Wally" by screaming "CARRRRRR!!!!!!" If this wasn't perfect enough, I caught the passenger in the car confidently mouthing the lyrics, "Hit her where she doodie at, make that booty fat."
Twerk it:
Shawty baby birthin' on the dance floor.
Went to a club called "Colors" the other night... had the pleasure of witnessing the miracle of birth. The man in the afterbirth-soaked shirt is actually delivering that woman's child ON the dance floor. Breathtaking.
The baby looked just like its mother... blurry.
The baby looked just like its mother... blurry.
Star trouble.
I’m taking an astronomy class this semester. Apparently its all math based. I thought astronomy was just looking at stars and connecting dots to make pictures of animals, guess not. To prove I’m not making this up here is a sample homework problem:
3x + 8 - the moon =
a. That crab constellation
b. 6
c. Spacemen
d. The cat from “Men in Black”
e. All the above – by T-pain
If you know the answer please help, I’m stuck.
This tid-bit is a piece of our everyday etiquette advice, where we tell you how to act in a variety of social situations. The following is an example of a foolproof approach to spicing up any dull conversation.
Person 1: “Oh my god, this sangria is sooo good!”
Person 2: “I know! I could drink like 3 to 4 glasses of it”
Person 3: “I heard sangria means blood in Mexican, or something. I love ethnic stuff.”
Person 1: “Ew blood is gross, but this sangria is sooo good!”
Person 2: “My uncle is Mexican, he makes bangin’ sangria”
You: “Yeah my uncle bangs children. He’s Mexican too… and a child banger.”
-Begin interesting conversation-
The formula is simple: mindless noise + wildly inappropriate remark = great time. Try it at your next dinner party, conjugal visit, or parent teacher conference! You’ll be the life of the party!
Lazy Monday Afternoon.
A very quaint homeless couple was sleeping ON an extremely crowded staircase today at Penn Station (it was approximately 4:30pm, they were spooning). Out of all the places to sleep in New York City this couple chooses the most likely place to get trampled to death. Being homeless can be so romantic- none of the bourgeois luxuries of “homed” life- just you, your lover, a filthy blanket, and the constant fear of dying in your sleep.
I’m taking an astronomy class this semester. Apparently its all math based. I thought astronomy was just looking at stars and connecting dots to make pictures of animals, guess not. To prove I’m not making this up here is a sample homework problem:
3x + 8 - the moon =
a. That crab constellation
b. 6
c. Spacemen
d. The cat from “Men in Black”
e. All the above – by T-pain
If you know the answer please help, I’m stuck.
This tid-bit is a piece of our everyday etiquette advice, where we tell you how to act in a variety of social situations. The following is an example of a foolproof approach to spicing up any dull conversation.
Person 1: “Oh my god, this sangria is sooo good!”
Person 2: “I know! I could drink like 3 to 4 glasses of it”
Person 3: “I heard sangria means blood in Mexican, or something. I love ethnic stuff.”
Person 1: “Ew blood is gross, but this sangria is sooo good!”
Person 2: “My uncle is Mexican, he makes bangin’ sangria”
You: “Yeah my uncle bangs children. He’s Mexican too… and a child banger.”
-Begin interesting conversation-
The formula is simple: mindless noise + wildly inappropriate remark = great time. Try it at your next dinner party, conjugal visit, or parent teacher conference! You’ll be the life of the party!
Lazy Monday Afternoon.
A very quaint homeless couple was sleeping ON an extremely crowded staircase today at Penn Station (it was approximately 4:30pm, they were spooning). Out of all the places to sleep in New York City this couple chooses the most likely place to get trampled to death. Being homeless can be so romantic- none of the bourgeois luxuries of “homed” life- just you, your lover, a filthy blanket, and the constant fear of dying in your sleep.